Breaking the Silence: How Pornography Destroys Marriages and Families by Tamisha Schetselaar

I adored my mother in ways that words can hardly capture. She was radiant to me; elegant, graceful, always poised with her makeup and curls just right. But even as a child, I sensed the quiet ache behind her beauty. What I did not understand at the time, I came to know later: my father’s hidden pornography addiction deeply wounded her sense of worth. Over the years, that silent betrayal chipped away at her heart. A heart weakened by childhood rheumatic fever finally gave out and not just from illness, but from sorrow, neglect, and disappointment.

I remember being a teenager sitting at the family computer, deleting hundreds of pornographic images, emails, and conversations desperate to shield my mother from more pain. If she found them, she would spiral into depression, often unable to get out of bed for days. My father was a respected churchgoer by day, but lived a double life online. He gave money to women for attention and was emotionally unavailable to us all. He never hugged me, praised me, or told me he loved me. His presence in our home was more physical than emotional. That emotional void left me unprepared for what love and trust should look like. Unsurprisingly, I married someone much like him, another porn addict.

In that marriage, the same signs reemerged. Missed time together, cold nights alone, and rejection became normal. He stopped coming to bed. He would not touch me for months after our fourth child was born. Pornography distorted his expectations of me and of intimacy. Eventually, the addiction escalated into infidelity. After eight years, I filed for divorce. I realized the cycle had to stop for my daughters and for myself. I chose to learn, grow, and protect them from repeating what I endured.

This is not just my story. Research confirms that pornography is a widespread and growing problem. A 2021 report from the Institute for Family Studies found that over 70% of men aged 18–30 consume pornography regularly (https://ifstudies.org/blog/how-prevalent-is-pornography). While some defend it as harmless, multiple peer-reviewed studies have documented its harmful effects on marriage. Pornography use is linked to lower relationship satisfaction, decreased emotional intimacy, and higher rates of divorce

When one partner becomes addicted to pornography, it rewires expectations, dulls desire for real connection, and replaces meaningful intimacy with artificial stimulation. Over time, it can lead to emotional abandonment. Spouses feel rejected, invisible, and unworthy. The marriage erodes not just sexually, but emotionally and spiritually. Children growing up in such homes often face emotional neglect and confusion about love, and are more likely to repeat the same patterns in adulthood.

Pornography is not just a private issue, it is a public crisis affecting marriages, children, and communities. It thrives in secrecy. But silence keeps us stuck. We must speak out, educate ourselves and others, and create homes where honesty, healing, and accountability replace shame and secrecy. This means confronting the issue in our churches, schools, and homes, not with judgment, but with truth and support.

Here are three things you can do now:

1. Talk to your children and teens about pornography early, using age-appropriate resources like the '30 Days of Sex Talks' series.

2. Seek help if you or a loved one struggles with pornography. Support groups, therapy, and online accountability tools can make a difference.

3. Advocate for stronger protections in digital media and support organizations that help protect families from sexual exploitation.

References

Institute for Family Studies. (2021, June 15). How prevalent is pornography? https://ifstudies.org/blog/how-prevalent-is-pornography